To all my sisters-in-arms out there who have told me through tears and chardonnay, “What does he mean I don’t love him? Don’t I make him dinner, fold his clothes, put up with his farting in the bed and care for his children?!?! If I didn’t love him with all of me, I’d have been loooong gone!”

How I tell you

By Glory Fink

You ask me for proof

but how can I prove my love to you?

I have no grand gestures,

 no great powers with which to awe you.

I have only the quiet,

day-to-day gestures that in every way

show you how my very breath

waits for you.

When I make chicken for dinner

what I really mean is, “I adore you.”

When I tell your Mom how much we miss her

and are making plans for her next visit

I’m whispering to you,

“I love the smell of your neck.”

When I make your doctor’s appointment

and insist you go

I’m really imploring to you,

“Please, stay here with me a little longer.”

This is all I have to prove my feelings

because simply telling you, “I love you”

can’t even begin to describe

what I feel inside me for you.

I hope your Thursday finds you happy and blessed.

Today I was reflecting on the fact that even though more times than I would like I have found myself frustrated with my current circumstances I am reminded that I still have it much better than many people. Sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in dealing with my daily challenges that I forget how blessed I am. I need to remember my gratitude when I feel overwhelmed as I think it will help me see the situation more clearly which will probably help clear up my feelings of being deluged in the first place. And here I have found my way back to the beginning of my thoughts with my resolution.

“When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.”
-Beatles “Let It Be”

With love and blessings,
Glory

Killer Orgasms

By Glory Fink

Sex can be a beautiful and meaningful act. For some couples sex can even help to strengthen and deepen the shared emotional bonds. But sex can also maim and kill when common sense is ignored.

The first time I realized that people could die while having consensual sex I was watching the movie Rising Sun starring Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes. The two stars are investigating the strangulation of a young woman at the party of a new Japanese business. Eventually, the two uncover the woman’s fetish for autoerotic asphyxiation, a dirty little secret some people would like to keep hidden.

The movie was thought provoking and I talked about autoerotic asphyxiation or AeA with some of my friends. I learned that some very nice girls like to hold their breath right before they orgasm to heighten the sensation. I was surprised at the creativity but I didn’t think much of it until I watched Life as a House years later. Here I am watching a Kevin Kline movie and there is Hayden Christensen masturbating while strangling himself. I guess Anakin wants to make sure we know this is a serious Kevin Kline movie.

I found myself disturbed by this scene and I mentioned it to my guy friends to see if anyone knew any guys who pretended to hang themselves while masturbating. Every guy seemed to know of a friend from his youth who did it but no one owned up to doing it. After that, I started paying attention to unexplained hanging suicides of young men especially those in their underwear who didn’t leave a note.

I did a little research and uncovered a big taboo. Hundreds of years ago, people observed that hanged criminals had erections after death. People put two and two together and got bigger orgasms. During Victorian times London even had a “Hanged Men’s Club” that aided its members through the autoerotic asphyxiation process safely.

While 250 to 1000 deaths are attributed to AeA each year in America most parents are too ashamed to admit that their son was an accidental suicide and would rather clean up the scene before calling the cops and say he killed himself on purpose rather than he was trying to heighten his masturbation. Death by autoerotic asphyxia is almost entirely a 12-25 year old male problem and usually happened when the person was alone. Since many AeA accidents are caused by heart attacks before the person even loses consciousness the only benefit to having another person around is 911 is called.

These days young males are teaching each other to play “chocking games” by filming it and posting to YouTube and other sites. Unfortunately, these hormone driven youth are without the common sense God gave them and think nothing bad will happen while getting a sexual thrill though strangling.

Speaking of a lack of common sense, a friend of mine who works in an ER told me about another kind of AeA. Auto(mobile) Erotic Asphyxia caused one night by a young woman giving a BJ to the guy while he was driving. He hit a deer, and she accidentally bite through his penis. The car then crashed down a ravine where the couple was knocked unconscious. The woman suffocated due to the penis getting lodged deep in her throat and the man died from bleeding because no one saw the crashed car until dawn. If you want to get a hummer in your Hummer, pull over or do it in the back seat. Orgasms aren’t worth dying over.

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com or printz@usm.edu with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Shrodinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her imagination.

Glory can be found living it up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: 19th Century era dilapidated) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund,  and one cat who isn’t. The the outside cat came with the house; he is not a pet as much as ninja. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2007, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at glory@askglory.com.

Happiness is a State of Mind

By Glory Fink

My Uncle Ike explained to me several years ago, everyone gets hurt in their day to day life but it’s our decision whether we hold onto that hurt and make a place for it on our heart or whether we let it go and let it stop affecting us.

A while ago I realized that happiness is a state of mind that has little to do with what’s going on in the outside world. You either decide to find happiness even in the face of adversity (and eventually everyone must face some kind of adversity) or you allow the hurt and injustices of the world to take away your happiness. It’s that simple.

You can either cling to your happiness or you can cling to your hurt. The problem with holding onto hurt is that while you are in that state of pain you cannot grow and develop as a person. You are stuck. In pain, your world will just continue to get smaller and smaller until there is nothing left of you but a caricature of your original personality and of course all the hurt and injustice ever done to you. To me that sounds like Hell on Earth. 

As you continue to hold onto your happiness your world will continue to grow as it accommodates more and more people who are also finding and holding onto their happiness. As like begets like so you will, too. As you move to the blessed and grateful you will attract those like you and others who need support making the shift over to positive living. Through the security and support of your happiness and the people who populate your ever expanding world you will find yourself naturally refining and polishing your strengths and virtues while improving on your weaknesses and flaws.

Most of your improvements will evolve so effortlessly that by the time you reflect on who you were a few years ago you may be surprised by how much you have improved in aspects of your life that before you struggled with all the time but never seemed to ever make any progress in. This sounds like Paradise on Earth to me. Yes Virginia, sometimes Life really is that simple. You just have to hold out your hand in openness and love and let the rest take its course.

At my core I believe that we are all intricately connected in The Universe. We are all parts that together compose The Universe. And The Universe is a force as much as it is a thing. Wouldn’t you rather be happy than be hurt all the time? So would the rest of The Universe. Every time someone makes a decision to move forward, let go of the past with all its hurt and pain and instead relish the present and the joyful, it affects the rest of this great interconnectedness called The Universe. So it makes sense that with your decision to hold onto what is good and beautiful in your life and to let go of what causes you misery and heartache The Universe will open pathways for you to continue to grow, develop and be joyful.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Schrödinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.

Glory can be found living the high life in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund,  and one cat who isn’t. And various cats that came with the house; they are not pets as much as ninjas. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2009, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at askglory@askglory.com.

Hey guys, just went through the user list and noticed a bunch of fake and spam user accounts had been created in the last few months. So, I went through and deleted the accounts without usernames or meaningful messages. So, if you were quiet and have just been reading AskGlory and I deleted your account I appologize sincerely. Just recreate your account and put a name down this time.

Thanks

I hope we can get Tom to do another podcast soon!

Super Easy Picnic Date

By Glory Fink

It’s so nice outside right now. The sun is shining through my window and I can see the trees gently sway in the breeze. Today is a perfect day for a picnic and the only things stopping me from enjoying it is that I’m still in my jammies (I do my best writing in them, you know) and the fact that no one is available to share a picnic with me. But if I did have someone to join me and I was dressed, this is what I would do in a heartbeat.

Location

Find some shady grass and park it. Try Paul B. Johnson State Park just south of Hattiesburg or the rose garden at USM. Keep in mind that if you’re going to take your sugar dumpling to a public park you probably can’t have any alcohol with you. Not even in the car.

Picnic Supplies

Thick Blanket

Tarp (the ground could be damp)

Your date’s favorite takeout

Drinks (soda, water, wine, ect…)

Napkins or a Paper Towel Roll

Sunscreen/Sunglasses/Wide Brimmed Hats

Cushions for lounging

Bag for trash

Laundry Basket (to carry all this from the car to your ideal spot)

Activities

Cloud Watching

Walk in the Woods

I Spy

Talking Points

Favorite environment/climate to live in i.e., The Mountains, The Beach, Alaska, ect…. Why do you love it so?

Which botanical do you think is most important? Please explain why. (ex., grasses, flowers, trees, seaweed, ect…)

Describe your favorite outdoor memory. Be detailed, tell it as a story. When in doubt start with, “Once upon a time…”

Wanna kick the picnic up a few notches? If renting a boat or a hot air balloon isn’t practical, try making the food special. If you’re interested in these recipes, let me know and I’ll post them.

Menu For Those Who Like To Cook

Carrots & Cherry Tomatoes with your favorite ranch dip

Pita Chips & Hummus (I prefer my homemade recipe but Athenos is good, too)

Grilled Chicken Skewers

Chocolate Chip Cookies (again, I prefer my homemade chocolate chip cookies but if you’re rushed pick up your favorite cookies from a bakery. C’est La Vie on Hardy St. and The Pastry Garden on Walnut Circle are both super yummy!)

Blushing Tropical Sparklers (drinks)

Contingency Plan

If it rains or is too windy, take the picnic indoors to your living room. Since it’s challenging to cloud watch inside your place rent a romantic comedy while you two cuddle up on the floor with your picnic spread.

Romantic Comedy Movie Suggestions

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Say Anything (1989)

When Harry Met Sally… (1989)

Shallow Hal (2001)

There’s Something About Mary (1998)

The Wedding Crashers (2005)

The Forty Year Old Virgin (2005)

When in doubt go with movies starring Vince Vaughn or John Cusack. For the Baby Boomers, you’re probably safe with Billy Crystal, Gene Wilder or Mel Brooks.

If you do try this date outline, please tell me ALLLL about it! Leave a note in the comments section or email me at glory at askglory.com Allow me to live vicariously through your dating adventures. Fill me in on everything from the part where the tree ate her kite to the bit where he forgot to bring a compass and you both were lost in the woods for an hour but found the car just as it was starting to rain. Hey wait, that sounds like the best part in a romantic comedy. Awwww, how sweet!

Much love,

Glory