Glory’s Life Lesson # 8

Do you finish most weeks hoping that your upcoming week will be quiet and uneventful so that you can finally catch your breath and focus on your long neglected projects?

Glory’s Life Lesson # 8: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Unless you do finally move to that isolated cave in the middle of nowhere and shun all human contact, you will always be around other people and with people comes drama. There are many legitimate problems that affect everyone’s life. Loved ones fall ill, financial difficulties, relationships alter, ect. Expect them and do your best to act in a way you can be proud of long after the event is past.

Unfortunately the most common kind of drama is what I call, “drama llamas.” Drama Llamas occur when a little issue or situation gets blown up into a state of emergency by someone with too much time on their hands. Nothing major happened. No one went to the hospital or lost their life savings. Everyone is able to still do all their daily obligations. The world is still spinning. And yet someone keeps adding fuel to the fire making an uproar.

It seems like this problem won’t go away and the more time goes by the bigger and more monstrous it gets. That’s a drama llama and it must be corralled and put away or it will be spitting in your facing and trampling all over your fun for a very long time. Drama llamas insist they need to be urgently attended to but in reality they will suck all your energy away and leave you with nothing positive in the end.

No matter what you do as long as you are surrounded by humans you will have drama crop up in your life. But if you spend most of your energy and time reacting to these situations and save no time and energy for the things that truly feed your spirit you will one day wake up 10 years older feeling like a dried up husk of your former self. You will have a hard time remembering the last time you laughed, sang or danced with abandon and you will have little or no accomplishments to show for your time on Earth because all you did was react to others rather than act with purpose in your Life.

This week allow yourself to dream. Dream BIG, sugar. Name three things you want to accomplish for yourself between this week and the rest of your life. And raising kids only counts as ONE thing. No cop outs. There are plenty of people who will happily try to hold you back, so don’t do the hard work for them. You’re dreaming BIG right now. Allow YOU to reach for the heavens. Next week you’re going to find out what you’re going to do with those three beautiful dreams when you read Glory’s Life Lesson #9!

With a sky of love,

Glory

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory at askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a licensed educator, a wannabe dilettante, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Shrodinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her friends humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.

Glory can be found living it up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her miniature dachshund and one cat who isn’t. The outside cat came with the house; he is not a pet as much as a ninja. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2009, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at copyright@askglory.com.

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Killer Orgasms

By Glory Fink

Sex can be a beautiful and meaningful act. For some couples sex can even help to strengthen and deepen the shared emotional bonds. But sex can also maim and kill when common sense is ignored.

The first time I realized that people could die while having consensual sex I was watching the movie Rising Sun starring Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes. The two stars are investigating the strangulation of a young woman at the party of a new Japanese business. Eventually, the two uncover the woman’s fetish for autoerotic asphyxiation, a dirty little secret some people would like to keep hidden.

The movie was thought provoking and I talked about autoerotic asphyxiation or AeA with some of my friends. I learned that some very nice girls like to hold their breath right before they orgasm to heighten the sensation. I was surprised at the creativity but I didn’t think much of it until I watched Life as a House years later. Here I am watching a Kevin Kline movie and there is Hayden Christensen masturbating while strangling himself. I guess Anakin wants to make sure we know this is a serious Kevin Kline movie.

I found myself disturbed by this scene and I mentioned it to my guy friends to see if anyone knew any guys who pretended to hang themselves while masturbating. Every guy seemed to know of a friend from his youth who did it but no one owned up to doing it. After that, I started paying attention to unexplained hanging suicides of young men especially those in their underwear who didn’t leave a note.

I did a little research and uncovered a big taboo. Hundreds of years ago, people observed that hanged criminals had erections after death. People put two and two together and got bigger orgasms. During Victorian times London even had a “Hanged Men’s Club” that aided its members through the autoerotic asphyxiation process safely.

While 250 to 1000 deaths are attributed to AeA each year in America most parents are too ashamed to admit that their son was an accidental suicide and would rather clean up the scene before calling the cops and say he killed himself on purpose rather than he was trying to heighten his masturbation. Death by autoerotic asphyxia is almost entirely a 12-25 year old male problem and usually happened when the person was alone. Since many AeA accidents are caused by heart attacks before the person even loses consciousness the only benefit to having another person around is 911 is called.

These days young males are teaching each other to play “chocking games” by filming it and posting to YouTube and other sites. Unfortunately, these hormone driven youth are without the common sense God gave them and think nothing bad will happen while getting a sexual thrill though strangling.

Speaking of a lack of common sense, a friend of mine who works in an ER told me about another kind of AeA. Auto(mobile) Erotic Asphyxia caused one night by a young woman giving a BJ to the guy while he was driving. He hit a deer, and she accidentally bite through his penis. The car then crashed down a ravine where the couple was knocked unconscious. The woman suffocated due to the penis getting lodged deep in her throat and the man died from bleeding because no one saw the crashed car until dawn. If you want to get a hummer in your Hummer, pull over or do it in the back seat. Orgasms aren’t worth dying over.

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com or printz@usm.edu with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Shrodinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her imagination.

Glory can be found living it up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: 19th Century era dilapidated) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund,  and one cat who isn’t. The the outside cat came with the house; he is not a pet as much as ninja. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2007, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at glory@askglory.com.

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Happiness is a State of Mind

By Glory Fink

My Uncle Ike explained to me several years ago, everyone gets hurt in their day to day life but it’s our decision whether we hold onto that hurt and make a place for it on our heart or whether we let it go and let it stop affecting us.

A while ago I realized that happiness is a state of mind that has little to do with what’s going on in the outside world. You either decide to find happiness even in the face of adversity (and eventually everyone must face some kind of adversity) or you allow the hurt and injustices of the world to take away your happiness. It’s that simple.

You can either cling to your happiness or you can cling to your hurt. The problem with holding onto hurt is that while you are in that state of pain you cannot grow and develop as a person. You are stuck. In pain, your world will just continue to get smaller and smaller until there is nothing left of you but a caricature of your original personality and of course all the hurt and injustice ever done to you. To me that sounds like Hell on Earth. 

As you continue to hold onto your happiness your world will continue to grow as it accommodates more and more people who are also finding and holding onto their happiness. As like begets like so you will, too. As you move to the blessed and grateful you will attract those like you and others who need support making the shift over to positive living. Through the security and support of your happiness and the people who populate your ever expanding world you will find yourself naturally refining and polishing your strengths and virtues while improving on your weaknesses and flaws.

Most of your improvements will evolve so effortlessly that by the time you reflect on who you were a few years ago you may be surprised by how much you have improved in aspects of your life that before you struggled with all the time but never seemed to ever make any progress in. This sounds like Paradise on Earth to me. Yes Virginia, sometimes Life really is that simple. You just have to hold out your hand in openness and love and let the rest take its course.

At my core I believe that we are all intricately connected in The Universe. We are all parts that together compose The Universe. And The Universe is a force as much as it is a thing. Wouldn’t you rather be happy than be hurt all the time? So would the rest of The Universe. Every time someone makes a decision to move forward, let go of the past with all its hurt and pain and instead relish the present and the joyful, it affects the rest of this great interconnectedness called The Universe. So it makes sense that with your decision to hold onto what is good and beautiful in your life and to let go of what causes you misery and heartache The Universe will open pathways for you to continue to grow, develop and be joyful.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Schrödinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.

Glory can be found living the high life in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund,  and one cat who isn’t. And various cats that came with the house; they are not pets as much as ninjas. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2009, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at askglory@askglory.com.

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Dork be Gone. Answering that age old question of why you are surrounded by Dorks when you should be with Prince or Princess Charming.

 Dork Be Gone [10:25m]: Play in Popup | Download

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This article is also available on Ask E. Jean’s FANTASTIC website under the Top Campus Columnists section.

ASK GLORY: All New Dork-Be-Gone in Stores NOW!

All New Dork-Be-Gone in Stores NOW!

By Glory Fink

Dear Glory

I’m a nice girl who goes to a good college and I make decent grades. All my friends tell me how cute, outgoing and pretty I am. So why do only dorks and losers ever ask me out? My parents keep asking me when I’m going to bring home a nice boy but I don’t think there are any left!

Befuddled,

Glory’s mother Lynn at age 19

Detroit, Michigan

Dear Glory’s mother Lynn at age 19,

Since I know you and what you’ll do with the next several decades of your life (including giving birth to me), my advice is to simply embrace who you are and your life choices and try to learn something from the failures. BTW, you really are cute and outgoing so, your friends are telling you the truth. Oh, and buy your eldest daughter a Nintendo when she’s eight years old.

With love (and laughs),

Glory

However, if I didn’t know you my advice would go something like this:

First, I would like to offer a clarification concerning the descriptors of dorks and losers. A loser is someone who is a mooch, a bum, a person who does not in any way contribute to society. A dork, on the other hand, is a person who is so socially inept as to cause those around him or her to question the person’s mental health. Dorks also experience difficulty contributing to society but are able to maintain menial jobs so they can afford to pay for their World of War Crack or Manga addiction.

The reason only dorks and losers ever ask you out is because of at least one if not several of these actions you are constantly doing.

You are nice and pleasant to dorks and losers and so they take that kindness as an interest in a relationship. There is being kind and then there is being too kind to the point of getting labeled a pushover or a soft touch. Say no thank you and mean it! You have not been appointed mother/sister to the world’s down and out. Try to be friendly with people in general but only be friends with people you genuinely enjoy.

You are giving these undesirables a positive vibe while giving ideal candidates a negative vibe. Are you unconsciously giving the cold shoulder to nice people while being all warm and friendly to users and losers? OMG, stop! Negative people don’t deserve your nice, warm sweetie of a self. But equally sweet, kind people do. You’re going to have to make a conscious decision every morning to reverse this self-destructive behavior. It’s going to be hard but I know you are more than capable of doing this.

You only know and associate with dorks and losers. Go find some nice people to hang out around and ditch those who don’t help you enjoy life. Seriously, it is time to shake off the negative influences in your life and embrace the wonderful, refreshing and positive.

You are waiting for prince(ss) charming to ask you out. Life is short, why wait? Go ask that uber wonderful guy or gal and see what happens. Word from the wise, if you feel desperate inside for this person to accept you then you will act desperate. Do what you need to do to not feel desperate. Give yourself a good pep talk about how you’re a nice person to hang out with and all you want to do is get to know this person better, anyway. If it still doesn’t work just tell yourself, “F*ck them! They’re missing out on making a good friend, anyway” and just walk away like the cool frood you were born to be.

If you’re really stressing, may be you should take a break from dating for a while. Some time off will allow you to emotionally grow and expand your circle of friends and acquaintances. In a nutshell, just chill out.

We all go through weird phases and no one is immune to it. Have you seen the comedian Carrot Top, lately? I’m not sure what he’s dealing with but apparently it involves obscenely large biceps and orange, curly “love trails.” No one is immune.

In my darkest hours, I have been known to quote Tom Cruise in “Jerry McGuire” waaaaay too much. Specifically the comment about, “You see this jacket I’m wearing, you like it? Because I don’t really need it. Because I’m CLOAKED in failure!” Everyone goes through tough times. You are not alone, my darlings.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a semi-permanent college student, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Shrodinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.

Glory can be found living it up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund, and one cat who isn’t. The two outside cats came with the house; they are not pets as much as ninjas. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2008, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at copyright@askglory.com.

 All New Dork-Be-Gone in Stores NOW! [10:25m]: Play in Popup | Download

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This is the first Glory and Tom show. Today we talk about Apronal Anal Spray not to be confused with Apronal the oral Tylenol. This is the first podcast with opening and ending credits and music,  and it kept me up late finishing. So, I hope you enjoy it. For those who get annoyed at the audio we are getting in some new equipment and our podcasts should be sounding much better very soon.

Quick little note to those who already listened to this post. I updated the podcast with a somewhat better version. Downside is that it’s twice the size. Oh well, 20MB still isn’t that big for a 30 minute podcast. – Sitemonkey

 Glory and Tom Show 1 [28:00m]: Play in Popup | Download

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College Sex 201
By Glory Fink

Welcome back to school, future college alumni. We are now in a new year, a new semester and new classes. All of you seekers of sensible sexuality have completed the first semester of “College Sex 101: An Incredibly Brief Survey of Sex in America”. So buckle up my eager readers as we delve deeper into specific areas of sensuality, sexuality and all things that will enrich your carnal knowledge in “College Sex 201: Things you should know but are too nervous to look up at the Library.”

First off, every proper course has reading material. College Sex 201 is not exception. After all, you are a college thinker and therefore a seeker of knowledge and truth. This salacious researcher received many gifts over the winter break from friends, family and fans. Some of my notable recommendations include:

The Pop-up Book of Sex by Melcher Media published by Harper Entertainment. This book is a fun and quick read. The illustrated pop ups have moving parts to illustrate various positions with a short written description to guide you. Aside from the occasional nipple, this book doesn’t contain much noteworthy nudity. If it were a movie, its rating would be a “PG-13” for nipple exposure.

Playboy: 50 Years: The Cartoons published by Chronicle Books is a five-pound tome of the best cartoons to grace the pages of Playboy. Over the years, I’ve come across three kinds of people who like Playboy: professional and amateur photographers who value Playboy’s innovative style, people who simply like the “nudies”, and those who actually read the articles, jokes and cartoons. This book is sure to please if you are an erotic cartoon reader or need to gift one. The book contains drawings of women’s breast and nipples and the occasional allusion to pubic hair maintaining the level of decorum set by Huge Hefner in the mid 1950’s. As a movie, it would get a “PG-13” or a soft “R” for sexual situations.

The Kama Sutra Sticker Book published by DK Publishing is really more of a workbook for the reader and partner to follow than simply a book with stickers. This book is intended primarily for couples with a fair amount of flexibility. For the less flexible or older couples, I recommend a yoga class to limber up before attempting some of the positions, such as the “Torrid Tripod” or the “Depth Charger”. This book’s “R” rating is for the explicit positions in the photos and occasionally a nipple but no genitals are shown.

Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love new edition published by Abacus originally published in 1992 before Wikipedia and Google. In 750 entries, Ms. Love offers the briefest amounts of information necessary to educate. With ready access to the internet Ms. Love’s book isn’t so much an authoritative source as a book to test your sexual breadth and depth of knowledge. Opening the book at random, I read about Maieusiophilia, the arousal some individuals feel around pregnant women. Then, Sitophilia, sexual arousal by food (see article “College a Time to Experiment, 9/7/06) and candaulism which refers to two people having sex while a third watches. Now you and I both know three new words we can use at cocktail parties to sound impressive and diversely educated. This book is a little too much like those B&W educational reels from my childhood; therefore, there is no rating for this book since who in their right mind would go to the movie theater to watch an educational film?

While you might not find these books at the on campus bookstore try the erotica/self help section of your favorite local or online bookstore. Keep your eyes open for other reading materials for us and then send your literary suggestions to ask at askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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DOS and DON’TS for the New School Year
By Glory Fink

O ye makers of the 21st century future, welcome. Remember the decisions you make here and now, not only determine your future, but how the rest of the century will go. Ponder this, O freshmen and upperclassmen.

Didn’t think you were that influential, did you? Well, you are. And while you’re thinking about that, let’s go over some of the other things that you need to know to insure the best college experience possible at USM.

Get Out and DO Things

DO attend school activities. The University Activities Council hosts many opportunities to meet new, fun people. Yes, you shy wallflower sulking in your dorm room. Sweetie, sitting in front of your computer 12 hours a day chatting online or playing War Craft is not what college is about. Go to an activity and meet people in the flesh. Introduce yourself to at least five people. Worst possible scenario, you’ll have met five new people.

DO devise a method to combine your schoolwork with a growing social life.

DON’T skip classes for two weeks to conduct experiments in how much alcohol your liver can process before you hit the E.R. You’ll fail and so will your liver. You really have to attend classes to get decent grades. USM professors have heard every single excuse (there are no new ones), plus tears and threats do not move them.

DO accept help from that nice senior who offers to show you the secrets/ shortcuts to get through classes.

DON’T think you are obligated to date or sleep with said “nice senior,” freshman, or anybody else. You are your own person. This is the 21st century, baby!

DO date often and even people you wouldn’t consider back in high school. You’re expanding your horizons. You’re growing up.

DON’T settle for the first pretty face that says yes. There are some fabulous people here in college. However, you won’t get to know any of these bright, charming individuals if you bet all your money on the first horse you meet at the racetrack.

DO end a relationship when it is over.

DON’T think that stalking is the way to get back your love. DON’T tolerate stalkers, even “polite” stalkers. Report them to campus police.

Condoms, condoms, condoms and birth control, too

DO get checked for STDs at the USM Clinic, (601) 266-5390 every year even if you are monogamous.

DON’T assume you are immune or will magically know when you get an STD. Remember the CDC estimates 80% of all 20 year olds will get HPV in their lifetime. Yikes! (Do you know what HPV is? Want to learn what it is the hard way?)

DO stay safe and use condoms and birth control or practice abstinence, the foolproof way to avoid pregnancy and STDs.

DON’T mix alcohol/drugs with sex. Mixing alcohol and/or drugs with sex increases your risks of assault, rape, robbery, STDs and regretful lifetime experiences.

DO be yourself

Remember the ugly duckling who tried to fit in. Poor little ducky wanders into a bevy of swans and discovers he has found his own kind. He was an awkward duckling but he is now an adored swan. Go forth my beautiful swans! Make new friends, date new people, get involved, be happy (and do your homework!)

Yes, I’m really back. I know I wrote that I was leaving. I did, but sometimes our paths aren’t as straight as we think, sometimes there’s a curve or two. I graduated but I couldn’t stay away from the best university with the best faculty, staff and students.

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to printz@usm.edu or glory@askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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