There are no rainbow pooping Unicorns here. Move along, please.

Happiness is a State of Mind

By Glory Fink

My Uncle Ike explained to me several years ago, everyone gets hurt in their day to day life but it’s our decision whether we hold onto that hurt and make a place for it on our heart or whether we let it go and let it stop affecting us.

A while ago I realized that happiness is a state of mind that has little to do with what’s going on in the outside world. You either decide to find happiness even in the face of adversity (and eventually everyone must face some kind of adversity) or you allow the hurt and injustices of the world to take away your happiness. It’s that simple.

You can either cling to your happiness or you can cling to your hurt. The problem with holding onto hurt is that while you are in that state of pain you cannot grow and develop as a person. You are stuck. In pain, your world will just continue to get smaller and smaller until there is nothing left of you but a caricature of your original personality and of course all the hurt and injustice ever done to you. To me that sounds like Hell on Earth. 

As you continue to hold onto your happiness your world will continue to grow as it accommodates more and more people who are also finding and holding onto their happiness. As like begets like so you will, too. As you move to the blessed and grateful you will attract those like you and others who need support making the shift over to positive living. Through the security and support of your happiness and the people who populate your ever expanding world you will find yourself naturally refining and polishing your strengths and virtues while improving on your weaknesses and flaws.

Most of your improvements will evolve so effortlessly that by the time you reflect on who you were a few years ago you may be surprised by how much you have improved in aspects of your life that before you struggled with all the time but never seemed to ever make any progress in. This sounds like Paradise on Earth to me. Yes Virginia, sometimes Life really is that simple. You just have to hold out your hand in openness and love and let the rest take its course.

At my core I believe that we are all intricately connected in The Universe. We are all parts that together compose The Universe. And The Universe is a force as much as it is a thing. Wouldn’t you rather be happy than be hurt all the time? So would the rest of The Universe. Every time someone makes a decision to move forward, let go of the past with all its hurt and pain and instead relish the present and the joyful, it affects the rest of this great interconnectedness called The Universe. So it makes sense that with your decision to hold onto what is good and beautiful in your life and to let go of what causes you misery and heartache The Universe will open pathways for you to continue to grow, develop and be joyful.

About the Author:

Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a purveyor of euphemistically romantic materials, a photographer, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Schrödinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.

Glory can be found living the high life in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund,  and one cat who isn’t. And various cats that came with the house; they are not pets as much as ninjas. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.

Copyright © 2009, Glory Fink

For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at askglory@askglory.com.

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“The Contemporary Dictionary of Sexual Euphemisms” by Jordan Tate

brown mushroom n.

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2. A specific sexual act involving the removal of the penis from the anal canal and proceeding to strike the recipient’s forehead with the penis, thereby leaving a brown stain on the forehead comprised of the recipient’s feces. (slang)

Why?!?!?!

How is this sexy to anyone?

Oh yeah, brown mushroom me, big boy! Cover my forehead in poo, oh yeah!

Who says that? I can only imagine that $1000 an hour sex workers and equally high paid porn actors. No one is searching through Adult Friend Finders for that one person who will give them a brown mushroom.

What do you think? Is the brown mushroom more than just a locker room fantasy?

As ever,

Glory

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This is the first Glory and Tom show. Today we talk about Apronal Anal Spray not to be confused with Apronal the oral Tylenol. This is the first podcast with opening and ending credits and music,  and it kept me up late finishing. So, I hope you enjoy it. For those who get annoyed at the audio we are getting in some new equipment and our podcasts should be sounding much better very soon.

Quick little note to those who already listened to this post. I updated the podcast with a somewhat better version. Downside is that it’s twice the size. Oh well, 20MB still isn’t that big for a 30 minute podcast. – Sitemonkey

 Glory and Tom Show 1 [28:00m]: Play in Popup | Download

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College Sex 201
By Glory Fink

Welcome back to school, future college alumni. We are now in a new year, a new semester and new classes. All of you seekers of sensible sexuality have completed the first semester of “College Sex 101: An Incredibly Brief Survey of Sex in America”. So buckle up my eager readers as we delve deeper into specific areas of sensuality, sexuality and all things that will enrich your carnal knowledge in “College Sex 201: Things you should know but are too nervous to look up at the Library.”

First off, every proper course has reading material. College Sex 201 is not exception. After all, you are a college thinker and therefore a seeker of knowledge and truth. This salacious researcher received many gifts over the winter break from friends, family and fans. Some of my notable recommendations include:

The Pop-up Book of Sex by Melcher Media published by Harper Entertainment. This book is a fun and quick read. The illustrated pop ups have moving parts to illustrate various positions with a short written description to guide you. Aside from the occasional nipple, this book doesn’t contain much noteworthy nudity. If it were a movie, its rating would be a “PG-13” for nipple exposure.

Playboy: 50 Years: The Cartoons published by Chronicle Books is a five-pound tome of the best cartoons to grace the pages of Playboy. Over the years, I’ve come across three kinds of people who like Playboy: professional and amateur photographers who value Playboy’s innovative style, people who simply like the “nudies”, and those who actually read the articles, jokes and cartoons. This book is sure to please if you are an erotic cartoon reader or need to gift one. The book contains drawings of women’s breast and nipples and the occasional allusion to pubic hair maintaining the level of decorum set by Huge Hefner in the mid 1950’s. As a movie, it would get a “PG-13” or a soft “R” for sexual situations.

The Kama Sutra Sticker Book published by DK Publishing is really more of a workbook for the reader and partner to follow than simply a book with stickers. This book is intended primarily for couples with a fair amount of flexibility. For the less flexible or older couples, I recommend a yoga class to limber up before attempting some of the positions, such as the “Torrid Tripod” or the “Depth Charger”. This book’s “R” rating is for the explicit positions in the photos and occasionally a nipple but no genitals are shown.

Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love new edition published by Abacus originally published in 1992 before Wikipedia and Google. In 750 entries, Ms. Love offers the briefest amounts of information necessary to educate. With ready access to the internet Ms. Love’s book isn’t so much an authoritative source as a book to test your sexual breadth and depth of knowledge. Opening the book at random, I read about Maieusiophilia, the arousal some individuals feel around pregnant women. Then, Sitophilia, sexual arousal by food (see article “College a Time to Experiment, 9/7/06) and candaulism which refers to two people having sex while a third watches. Now you and I both know three new words we can use at cocktail parties to sound impressive and diversely educated. This book is a little too much like those B&W educational reels from my childhood; therefore, there is no rating for this book since who in their right mind would go to the movie theater to watch an educational film?

While you might not find these books at the on campus bookstore try the erotica/self help section of your favorite local or online bookstore. Keep your eyes open for other reading materials for us and then send your literary suggestions to ask at askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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Much Ado about Sex
By: Glory Fink

SEX!
Where did you first hear that word?
What did you think it meant?
Were you right…?

This word, sex, has fascinated me since I was a child. I have been simultaneously mesmerized, titillated and amused by this one, little, three-letter word, since I can remember. Somewhere I heard it, but there was no explanation with it. Therefore, I invented my own. Asking adults what sex meant only got me in trouble because it was a “bad word”. However, now I knew a real, “bad word”. Like most kids desperate to grow up, I pursued the knowledge of words that were so heinous they couldn’t be repeated without getting me grounded, a task harder than any subject I ever studied in school.

When I was seven, there was a certain boy I liked in class. He was sweet but very shy. I wanted him to notice me but he didn’t. Perhaps he was merely concerned about the spread of cooties. One lunch period in a fit of frustration, I said very loudly to him, “Chad, if you don’t pay attention to me, I’m going to sex you up!” Suddenly, a hush fell over the entire lunchroom. Sandwiches hung in mid-air and a dark horror blanketed the cafeteria. My uptight, prim teacher sitting at the opposite end of our lunch table, gazed over the entire length of the table and found my appalled face turning an embarrassingly, devilish red. “Glory” she said in a calm, commanding voice while motioning me with her Finger of Doom to come to her. I walked my Green Mile while envisioning horrors worse than any that had ever been perpetrated on a second grader in the history of mankind. My teacher would call my parents and tell them of my crime against humanity. They would disown me. I would be homeless and have to live in a cardboard box with rats like on “Hill Street Blues”. All this because of one little word and one heartthrob of a little boy. And, oh yes, my big mouth!

Mrs. Long asked what I had just said. Choking on fear and peanut butter, I repeated my words. She asked where I had heard that word. Thinking of all the rats in my soon-to-be cardboard house, I shrugged my shoulders while saying, “I don’t knooooow….”
“Never let me hear you say that word again,” was all Mrs. Long replied.
I returned to my seat and wondered what my cursed future held. Where would I find a refrigerator box? What would I name the rats who would be my only friends? Would my mother ever visit me? For weeks, I waited for my parents to get the dreaded call from my teacher. It never came.

At the age of nine, I learned what the word actually meant with the aid of a dictionary in a hidden corner of the library. Of course, I discussed the subject with my friends at sleepovers, which were made for such things, but I never said that word again until I was much older. By that time I felt sure I could avoid the Devil as well as The Penalty of Death that surely came to children who ventured too far off the path and into the valley of forbidden words.

Comments, suggestions and feedback are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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The Urban Dictionary defines Double Donkey Punch as, “During sex, when a partner is in a doggy style position, you punch their kidneys at the same time as hard as one can.”

While the Double-Tongued Dictionary defines Double Donkey Punch as, “The Donkey Punch is sometimes employed during gay sex acts. When going at it for a while the bottom of the “bottom” can get too relaxed, so the “top” can lose enjoyment. To orgasm, the man on top punches his partner really hard in the kidneys…so that he involuntarily clenches with the shock and pain…and the guy on top gets his rocks off.”
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WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE?!?!?!?!
(This is Ms. Fink’s face when she is horrified, class :-O)

Look, I understand BDSM but kidneys are vital organs, people! There is good pain and then there is bad pain. Injuring organs you need to use every moment of every day is VERY BAD.

Let us decided once and for all that any kind of sexual, let alone non-sexual, activities that involve hurting or endangering someone’s organs or important joints is a very bad idea and so we won’t even consider it, anymore.

Have a great weekend!

-Glory

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