There are no rainbow pooping Unicorns here. Move along, please.

I have a great many good and close friends. Many of my friends tell me that they enjoy reading Pillow Talk. Some of my friends are even writers and journalists. For all of these friends here’s a little news of mine.

At 4:21pm Wednesday while I was packing for my five o’clock class, I received a call from the executive editor of the Student Printz that she had just read the article I submitted Sunday evening.

I was told about the concern the editors had and that they felt it was too risky an article for print. I suggested that the line about lawyers and names be removed but that suggestion was shot down. It was just not enough. Because I had no time to re-edit my article I was given the choice of either allowing the editors to re-write the article so that it no longer contained any hint of celebrities and simply STD statistics for college students or not have the article printed.

I chose the latter.

This is the article that was too offensive for print according to the editors of The Student Printz.

Panties in a Twist?
By Glory Fink

I keep hearing about three pop tarts who don’t come in boxes and aren’t necessarily sweet. You know who they are. You can hardly turn on the news these days without hearing about these bad girls. It seems that everyone has an opinion about the frequency these girls have sex.

First, let me confess that all I know about celebrities I learned from “The Soup” on TV and “OK! Magazine” at the beauty shop. I’m not a statistician. Therefore, my statistics are gleaned from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control).

Your Mini History Lesson
Do you remember Henry VIII with all those wives he married and beheaded. Well, it turns out he had syphilis. His second daughter, Queen Elizabeth I, was born with congenital (secondary) syphilis, which made her infertile (did you really think she was a virgin all those years).

The Subjects
For the sake of Britney, Paris and Lindsey’s lawyers please know that I would never write about your clients in any negative light. Since discretion is the better part of valor, let us valiantly assume we have three anonymous female subjects who engage in high risk behavior associated with drugs, alcohol and sex: “Ms. L,” “Ms P” and “Ms B.” They are all in their 20’s and white.

“Ms. L,” 21, has had multiple car accidents and narcotics were found in her car. She’s also been in multiple rehab facilities but hasn’t found one that actually works for her.

“Ms. P” is 26, has DUIs along with other vehicle mishaps on her record, and even served time in jail. We shudder to think what her series of Chihuahuas have endured under her care.

The last is “Ms. B” who is 25. Although she’s been through rehab, she had a meltdown in the middle of her first interview after she finished. At this point, her singing career is on the rocks, to say the least.

The STDs
Because Ms. L is 21, she has a greater chance of getting chlamydia–the most common, curable STD. Her chances are around 10%. Because Misses. P and B are five years older than Ms. L and, if they haven’t already contracted chlamydia, they have only five percent chance of getting it.

Because all our subjects are white, they have a much lower chance of getting gonorrhea or syphilis than their Hispanic and Black counterparts, I’m sorry to report. Misses L, P, and B should still be tested for these STDs if they are having all the unprotected sex the media is reporting. Gonorrhea usually has no symptoms in women and untreated syphilis will kill you if the heart disease, blindness, and insanity don’t get you first.

All three of our subjects should get the HPV vaccine since about 15% of women ages 15-49 are currently infected. This virus can cause genital warts and cervical cancer. Remember that about 75% of Americans have already been infected at one time or another through sexual activity.

Genital herpes won’t kill you; it just keeps on giving until you die of something else. It will give you painful ulcers in your favorite pleasure zone and is highly contagious. There’s a one in four chance for women getting it.

In a Nutshell
My advice to Misses L, P, and B is:
• Avoid one night stands and anonymous sex.
• Always use a condom (you might be faithful, but 60% of men and 40% of women cheat in or out of marriage).
• Stay away from drugs and alcohol especially intravenous drugs.
• ALWAYS use protection, doubly so if you are having sex with a man who might have had sex with other men even if he’s “straight”.
• Wear panties when you go out. Hookers don’t wear panties when they are working. You’re not hooking, are you?
• Be safe.
• Be happy.
• Keep condoms handy–cause ya never know.

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com or printz@usm.edu with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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Comment about this article on Ask E. Jean’s Website

STD Prevention: Keep your Panties On
By Glory Fink

I keep hearing about three infamous bad girls on The Soup so I did a little research about their STD risks.

But first, I have something to confess. All I know about celebrities I learned from The Soup or reading OK! Magazine when I go to my hairdresser, Lindsay, who really is a star. I don’t even have a subscription to People Magazine.

While I’m confessing, here is another, I’m not a statistician. While I am sure that there are many statisticians who would enjoy analyzing the STD risks of the rich and famous I’m not acquainted with any of them (please feel free to email me at glory at askglory.com). Therefore, my statistics are generalized approximations from information I researched at the Centers for Disease Control website.

Before I begin with 21st century celebrities, let me tell you a few historical secrets. Do you remember Henry VIII with all those wives he married and beheaded? Well, it turns out he had syphilis. His daughter, Queen Elizabeth I, was born with congenital (secondary) syphilis and among other things made her infertile (did you really think she stayed a virgin?)

The Subjects
For the sake of science and some objectivity, let’s assume we have three anonymous female subjects who are believed to engage in high risk behavior associated with drugs, alcohol and sexual activity: “Ms. L” is white, age 21, never married and has no children. She’s been in multiple car accidents with narcotics found in her vehicle, and attended multiple rehab sessions. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, we can say, she’s trying to straighten out through rehab. She just hasn’t found a program that works for her.

The next subject, “Ms. P” is white, age 26, never married, no children. She, too, has several driving violations including more than one DUI. She is so well loved that at least one restraining order has been issued against her and she’s served time in jail.

The last subject, “Ms. B” is white, age 25, divorced with two children under the age of two years old. She has completed one rehab program and since then has reported to a magazine photo shoot disoriented, incoherent and exhibiting erratic behavior.

The STDs

Due to Ms. L’s age, she has roughly a 10% chance of having chlamydia, the most common and curable STD in the US. If Ms. P and Ms. B haven’t already contracted chlamydia then they now have a 5% chance because they are about 5 years older.

There is definitely a racial gap in STD infection rates in America. Misses L, P, and B will be pleased to learn that their chances of getting HIV are tiny. Only 2 out of every 100,000 white women ages 15-44 were diagnosed with HIV in 2005. But if any of our subjects were African American, her odds would go up to about 46 out of every 100,000.

Because all three of our subjects are white women, they are unlikely to have gonorrhea or syphilis but just the same, they should all still be tested after engaging in unprotected sex because gonorrhea in women often has no symptoms. When syphilis is left untreated, it can cause cardiovascular conditions, neurological disease, blindness, insanity, and gross disfigurement.

Another little history lesson, a few famous people who allegedly had the old reliables are: John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Frederich Nietzsche and Al Capone.

I highly recommend that all three women get the new HPV vaccine since it is estimated that 15% of American ages 15-49 are currently infected with HPV, which is known to cause genital warts and cervical cancer. If that isn’t enough motivation then they will be surprised to learn that an estimated 75% of Americans have been infected by an HPV strain through sexual activity.

Genital herpes is an incurable STD but it usually won’t kill you (as some of the others do) but it will give you really painful ulcers in your favorite pleasure zone- for the rest of your life! Herpes is more common in women. Every sexually active woman has a one in four chance of getting herpes.

In a Nutshell
Okay, to review: 5%-10% of American women in their early to mid 20’s have or will get chlamydia, while an estimated 75% have had an HPV strain and 25% will get a lifelong STD like genital herpes. “Excuse me, I’m going to need the biggest box of condoms you sell.”

My advice to Misses L, P, and B if they want to be STD free is:
• Avoid one night stands and anonymous sex.
• Always use a condom (you might be faithful, but 60% of men and 40% of women cheat in or out of marriage).
• Stay away from drugs and alcohol especially intravenous drugs.
• ALWAYS use protection if you are having sex with a man who might have had sex with other men even if he says he’s “straight”.
• Wear panties when you go out. Hookers don’t wear panties when they are working. You’re not hooking, are you?

Be safe.
Be happy.
Keep condoms handy-cause ya never know.
And wear (pretty) panties when you go out. It will remind you to be careful.

Love,
Your Big Sis Glory

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It’s just a little prick…
By Glory Fink

The world is changing and growing, my little chickadees. These days even world leaders have blogs, your mother is text messaging and one in five Americans has an STD. Two-thirds of all new STD infections occur in people under the age of 25.

HPV Vaccine
In June 2006, the FDA approved Gardasil, a vaccine that protects females from ages 9 to 26 against cervical cancer. If you’ve never had an STD and don’t plan to get one, read on. You might be surprised at your chances. HPV causes 90% of genital warts and 70% of all cervical cancer. At this time, HPV is so common that 80% of all 20-year-old women right here on own campus will become infected within their lifetime. Four out of five women sitting in your class will get HPV–if they haven’t already.

Why gamble with your health, go get the vaccine. The vaccine costs about $360 and insurance companies don’t pay for it. Ask yourself, “Am I worth $360?” (For those who are unsure, the correct answer is, YES, I AM!) In comparison with cancer treatment three hundred sixty dollars is a bargain.
This incredible breakthrough does have some loud naysayers armed with well-paid lobbyists. They say the vaccine will encourage immoral behavior. Preventing cancer and an STD in a 12-year-old girl is not evil it is a responsible thing to do.

Hepatitis B Vaccine
Hepatitis B, Hep B or HBV is an STD that is transmitted from partner to partner, by needles, or, worse, mother to child. About five percent of Americans are infected with HBV. Approximately half of the people with acute HBV have no symptoms. If symptoms develop, they appear one to six months after infection and are often initially mistaken for the flu.

The Hepatitis B vaccine is a recommended childhood immunization. Those with a serious allergy to baker’s yeast should avoid this vaccine. You may have been vaccinated against HBV before entering pre-school or kindergarten. If you don’t know, find out.

HIV Morning After Pill?
Rumors are circulating about a pill that prevents HIV infections after risky sex. In the January issue of Out magazine, Dr. Tony Mills,” The West Hollywood HIV Specialist,” said he is starting to prescribe Tenofovir to HIV negative patients who refuse to use condoms while engaging in high-risk sex. Tenofovir’s brand name is Viread and is usually prescribed with other antiretroviral drugs to slow the progression of HIV.

The good news is there is ongoing research to see if Tenofovir can be taken daily to prevent HIV infection but there is no conclusion to the study yet. “Curbside Pharmacists” have started selling a three pack of Ecstasy, Viagra and Tenofovir for partygoers who want a good time without any lasting effects. Will someone please give these people a heaping bag of condoms?!?! Personally, I’m not a fan of “X” because it ages your body the equivalent of three years for every hit you take. But when you go out for a night of partying at least use protection.
Other STD vaccines

While I was reading about these new vaccines, I asked myself why there weren’t more vaccines for other STDs. To paraphrase my mother, if we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we eradicate gonorrhea? It looks like one of the problems is that there’s no money in it for pharmaceutical companies. With a vaccine, all the drugs and treatments currently used to treat STDs and diseases would eventually be unnecessary.

More importantly, we aren’t demanding vaccines for STDs except for HIV. I can’t recall a single celebrity fundraising for a chlamydia vaccine. As long as people are more concerned with curing diseases instead of preventing them, all our futures hold a greater risk of contracting more diseases. Remember: Mississippi has the highest rates for chlamydia and gonorrhea in the country.

Chlamydia — Rates by state: United States and outlying areas, 2005 http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats/figures/fig3.htm

Gonorrhea – Rates by state: United States and outlying areas, 2004 (scroll down)

http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats04/gonorrhea2.htm#fig11

(Where did Glory get all this?) CDC’s Surveillance & Statistics http://www.cdc.gov/nchstp/dstd/Stats_Trends/Stats_and_Trends.htm

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• Read more: STD from a one night stand?

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