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ASK GLORY: All New Dork-Be-Gone in Stores NOW!
All New Dork-Be-Gone in Stores NOW!
By Glory Fink
Dear Glory
I’m a nice girl who goes to a good college and I make decent grades. All my friends tell me how cute, outgoing and pretty I am. So why do only dorks and losers ever ask me out? My parents keep asking me when I’m going to bring home a nice boy but I don’t think there are any left!
Befuddled,
Glory’s mother Lynn at age 19
Detroit, Michigan
Dear Glory’s mother Lynn at age 19,
Since I know you and what you’ll do with the next several decades of your life (including giving birth to me), my advice is to simply embrace who you are and your life choices and try to learn something from the failures. BTW, you really are cute and outgoing so, your friends are telling you the truth. Oh, and buy your eldest daughter a Nintendo when she’s eight years old.
With love (and laughs),
Glory
However, if I didn’t know you my advice would go something like this:
First, I would like to offer a clarification concerning the descriptors of dorks and losers. A loser is someone who is a mooch, a bum, a person who does not in any way contribute to society. A dork, on the other hand, is a person who is so socially inept as to cause those around him or her to question the person’s mental health. Dorks also experience difficulty contributing to society but are able to maintain menial jobs so they can afford to pay for their World of War Crack or Manga addiction.
The reason only dorks and losers ever ask you out is because of at least one if not several of these actions you are constantly doing.
You are nice and pleasant to dorks and losers and so they take that kindness as an interest in a relationship. There is being kind and then there is being too kind to the point of getting labeled a pushover or a soft touch. Say no thank you and mean it! You have not been appointed mother/sister to the world’s down and out. Try to be friendly with people in general but only be friends with people you genuinely enjoy.
You are giving these undesirables a positive vibe while giving ideal candidates a negative vibe. Are you unconsciously giving the cold shoulder to nice people while being all warm and friendly to users and losers? OMG, stop! Negative people don’t deserve your nice, warm sweetie of a self. But equally sweet, kind people do. You’re going to have to make a conscious decision every morning to reverse this self-destructive behavior. It’s going to be hard but I know you are more than capable of doing this.
You only know and associate with dorks and losers. Go find some nice people to hang out around and ditch those who don’t help you enjoy life. Seriously, it is time to shake off the negative influences in your life and embrace the wonderful, refreshing and positive.
You are waiting for prince(ss) charming to ask you out. Life is short, why wait? Go ask that uber wonderful guy or gal and see what happens. Word from the wise, if you feel desperate inside for this person to accept you then you will act desperate. Do what you need to do to not feel desperate. Give yourself a good pep talk about how you’re a nice person to hang out with and all you want to do is get to know this person better, anyway. If it still doesn’t work just tell yourself, “F*ck them! They’re missing out on making a good friend, anyway” and just walk away like the cool frood you were born to be.
If you’re really stressing, may be you should take a break from dating for a while. Some time off will allow you to emotionally grow and expand your circle of friends and acquaintances. In a nutshell, just chill out.
We all go through weird phases and no one is immune to it. Have you seen the comedian Carrot Top, lately? I’m not sure what he’s dealing with but apparently it involves obscenely large biceps and orange, curly “love trails.” No one is immune.
In my darkest hours, I have been known to quote Tom Cruise in “Jerry McGuire” waaaaay too much. Specifically the comment about, “You see this jacket I’m wearing, you like it? Because I don’t really need it. Because I’m CLOAKED in failure!” Everyone goes through tough times. You are not alone, my darlings.
About the Author:
Glory Fink is a writer, a housewife, a semi-permanent college student, a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cashmere. She can be found playing with Shrodinger’s cat, traipsing through the back roads of the Mississippi Delta or concocting experiments in her lab/kitchen. Glory does not suffer fools gladly but will gladly suffer endless tours at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as long as the samples keep coming. She does her best writing in her pajamas and her best sleeping out of them. Glory’s cat is suspicious, her dog obliging and her husband humored by her many antics and efforts to become in reality what she is in her dreams.
Glory can be found living it up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a quaint (read: run down) house in a newly historic district but still less reputable side of town with her husband/best friend, a miniature dachshund, and one cat who isn’t. The two outside cats came with the house; they are not pets as much as ninjas. Please feel free to email or call on Glory any time, her life could do with a few more interesting people.
Copyright © 2008, Glory Fink
For information about this work, please contact the author at the address set forth below. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of this work for nonprofit educational purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below cost, and that the author, source, and copyright notice are included on each copy. This permission is in addition to rights of reproduction granted under Sections 107, 108, and other provisions of the U.S. Copyright Act. Before making any distribution of this work, please contact Glory Fink to ascertain whether you have the current version. Permission inquiries can be made to Glory Fink at copyright@askglory.com.
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