There are no rainbow pooping Unicorns here. Move along, please.

FAQs:

Q: Do you have sex all the time or what?
A: Well, what is your definition of “all the time”? I have sex a normal (for me) amount of the time.

Q: OMG! Can I have my picture taken with you?
A: Sure. If you want.
q: Is it ok if I take my shirt off?
a: Are you at least 18 years old?
q:Uh, yeah?
a: Let me see some ID, Ms. Hedgy.
q: Well, would take your shirt off?
a: No.
q: Well, if I get this picture printed will you sign it?
a: Sure. To whom should I address it?
q: “To my dear friend, Ebay.”
(No kidding. That was an actual conversation I had with a group of teenage girls who had heard about my columns but admitted that they hadn’t actually read any. “Ya know, cause we haven’t had time to look them up or anything but we heard you are The Queen of Sex!.”)

Q: I have this rash…
A: I don’t want to stop you at the beginning of what is probably a very interesting story but I must ask you something. Have you shown this rash to a Doctor? Nurse Practitioner? Anyone with a medical background?
q: Why? Do you think they’ll know what it is?
a: Yes, these days doctors and nurses receive fabulous training in the medical arts and sciences. Let me give you a short list of my favorite general practitioners. I’ll wait right here while you call them to see who can give you an appointment today. Then after your rash has cleared up, I want to hear ALLLLL about it!

Q: Is it true that every woman can orgasm? I thought that was just a myth but my friend swears it’s true.
A: Unless there is a medical reason, otherwise every woman should have the equipment needed to reach orgasm. Have you ever tried to orgasm?
q: Would that help? I heard orgasms were the work of The Devil.
a: Yes, it would help. You would need to talk with a theologian about that rumor since I try to avoid rumors.

Q: So, your mother’s totally ashamed of what you write, right?
A: No, my mother did a little happy dance when I told her about the column. She would also like to know when I’m going to get off my bum and finish a book so I can get it published whereupon she will generously go on tour with me. I believe she has made a button that says “Glory’s Mom” and another one that says, “Proud to be Glory’s Mom”.

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I read about two movies in GayVN that I want to watch just so I can say I watched them.

Gaytanamo: Hardcore, 2 Disc Director’s Cut by Dark Alley
This link will take you to the trailer (obviously containing nudity and sexual situations)

I read that Gaytanamo is a biting parody of the Guantanamo situation/treatment, oh and with hot gay sex, of course. I heard a rumor that at least part of the movie was filmed on location…

Max Von Fistenberg’s 8 1/2 from the Masturbate Theater Collection by Dark Alley
Apparently they found this German librarian type guy to introduce and analyze each of the 4 “classic” gay sex scenes. At a certain point sex is sex whether it’s gay, straight, lesbian or “other” but an Alistar Cooke type presenter remarking about historical value porn scenes have in our modern civilization? This I’ve got to see!

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Hey Everyone!
Thank you for helping make the Polyamory article #1 for two weeks straight!

Sometimes, it feels like the rest of the country strongly underestimates what we Southerners are capable of accomplishing. Well, we are definitely showing them what’s what.

I posted the BDSM for Newbies article on Ask E. Jean’s site. Remember that article popularity is determined by comments. So comment first and comment often.

Keep in mind that you need to login to your account BEFORE you comment. Setting up an account takes an average of 30 seconds according to my mom and other loved ones who struggle with 21st century technology. In other words, it’s a no-brainer. Love you, Mom!

At the bottom of the article I ask for article ideas/suggestions/guidance. That means you, too my fabulous friends and family.

Also, I’m going to warn you that the other areas of the Ask E. jean website can be addictive so be careful. you might just plan to stop by the Advice Vixens corner and get so engrossed that before you know it 2 hours have passed! Just wanted to give you a heads up. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’m looking forward to seeing you on Ask E. Jean!

Love,
Glory

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BDSM for Newbies: A Gentle but Firm Introduction
By: Glory Fink

You spoke and I listened. You emailed and I replied, eventually. By popular request, it’s “The BDSM Newbie Article”!

BDSM: It’s not just for leather clad weirdos, anymore. That picture perfect couple down the street? Yeah, they like to play “Officer and The Naughty Criminal” once in a while, too.

I’m not here to make judgment calls concerning what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom but I do want you to be safe and well informed. Let us banish the rumors and myths and get down to the facts.

The Basics
Depending on whom you talk with BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism or Bondage, Domination, Submission, Masochism. Most people seem to agree on the bondage and the masochism but the rest seems open for personal interpretation.

Consent & Communication
An integral part of the BDSM community for newbies to experts alike is communication and consent. Trust is in there, as well but effective communication breeds trust and true consent doesn’t happen without trust. The BDSM community has worked so hard to make communication and consent the norm that the mantra, “Safe, Sane and Consensual” has even entered popular mainstream culture.

It is vital everyone from dabblers to veterans to practice effective communication. We have all been in that situation where we are trying to decide where to eat when the other person in the car says, “Oh, anywhere is fine with me.” But when you suggest a pizza joint or a Chinese place you are told, “Eww, not there! I hate Chinese food (or pizza or whatever).” This breakdown in communication can happen in the bedroom just as easily. In short, talk a lot and explain yourself but listen more than you talk.
B is for Bondage

There is no reason you have to shop at some specialty store or even the hardware store, for that matter, to dabble in a little bondage. Scarves work just as well as expensive cuffs. While we’re on the subject of cuffs, if you insist on using them please make sure the keys are not only in a safe place but easy to reach in an emergency, too. If your roommate (or parent) comes home unexpectedly and you forgot to lock your bedroom door you’ll want quick, easy access to those keys.

Should you lose the keys to those real handcuffs you’re going to have to call the cops to help you. You think they won’t talk? Think again. By the end of the night, every cop in the county will have heard about your sexual escapade as well as every hilarious detail. Don’t become a punch line, keep track of those keys!
But why bother with restraints, at all? Mental bondage might be right up your alley. “No matter how good this feels don’t move an inch or I’ll stop.”

DSM-Did you See My sub?
For newbies, often the first experimentation into the area of Domination and Sado-Masochism is spanking. It doesn’t require any special equipment (see: hand) and most of us are familiar with the technique.

There are a few things to keep in mind. Unless the spanker is a ditch digger, his or her hand alone shouldn’t be hard enough to cause permanent damage, fraternity paddles are a different matter. Your safest bet for spanking without maiming is going to be the spankee’s fleshy buttock cheeks. Most people think the tailbone is located just below the small of the back when in reality it is found an inch or two below the beginning of the buttock divide.

If a person is bent over and then hit with a frat paddle across the crack, there is a good chance of injuring that tailbone. Break that bone and the spankee will quickly learn from the ER doctor that there is no cast for a broken tailbone. Just an embarrassing inflatable donut to sit on for six to eighteen months.

Be careful. If you’re going to spank or be spanked, use your common sense and remember to avoid the tailbone area. I hope that satisfied your “educational needs”. Let me know if you have further questions.

To improve your depth of knowledge I recommend “The Compleat Spanker” by Lady Green and “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” by Jay Wiseman.

Your feedback is always appreciated. Email Glory directly at glory at askglory.com.

Ok seriously, if you don’t start telling me what you want to read more about/learn more about my next article is going to be “Sex After Menopause: Keeping the Moss from Growing on Your Favorite Body Part”. I mean it! Start a discourse or you’re going to start reading about the things I am curious about sex wise.

How about a statistical analysis of all the possible STDs Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton have probably been exposed to? Is that mean? ;D

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I laboriously made a shirt on CafePress to go with the BDSM article

CafePress BDSM Shirt

The shirt says
Front: BDSM It’s not just for leather clad weirdos, anymore.

Back: That picture perfect couple down the street? Yeah, they like to play “Officer and the Naughty Criminal” once in a while, too.

I am tickled pink by it! Sorry, I know I’m supposed to be this ultra cool sexpert but deep down I am still a giggly little school girl who gets regular thrills reading about penises and clitorises. In fact, I’m probably more fascinated by this stuff than you are. I guess that’s why I’m still doing it for free. I may not get a thrill from champagne but I sure do get a huge thrill from sex talk.

Hey! Know any radio people who are looking for someone to talk about sex? Tell them my rates are really reasonable. (Ok, I’ll work for free but don’t tell them that! Maybe they’ll cover my expenses and I won’t have to get a real job in the real world. ;D )

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