There are no rainbow pooping Unicorns here. Move along, please.

This article is also available on Ask E. Jean’s FANTASTIC website under the Top Campus Columnists section.

Getting the Girl and Winning it All
By Glory Fink

Nice guys finish last.

Nice guys are losers.

No woman in her right mind wants to date a “nice guy.”

The reason these guys are losers has nothing to do with the quality of their character or intelligence. Nice guys come in last because they don’t take chances. They operate under the theory that if no chances are taken, no failures can be made.

Failure is not the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Asking someone out for coffee or a movie and getting turned down isn’t so bad. Living in your mother’s basement, playing RPGs when you are 50 years old, is.

A lot of nice guys secretly think they are unworthy of getting respect or the “cute girl.” So they go after more attainable versions of the “the psycho chick.” We’ve all met at least one psycho chick. She’s the one who brags that she set an ex’s car on fire because she saw him working at his new job at Applebee’s. Psycho chicks have even been known to break into a current/ex-flame’s house while he was on a business trip and sell all his stuff including his 1938 copy of “Action Comics” for five bucks.

Nice guys are usually smart enough to get rid of their psycho chicks but by then the self-fulfilling prophecy will have come true. He will find himself middle-aged, alone and depressed with only his mother or sister to care about him. The irony is that if a “sweet girl” at work or school takes an interest in a nice guy he will convince himself that she is only trying to have a pity-friendship. This is the fate of thousands upon thousands of “nice guys” every year.

So what’s a nice guy to do? Stop being a nice guy, of course!

First, watch a few movies such as “The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Unrated Widescreen Edition),” “The Boyfriend School” “Superbad” and take notes. Watch them more than once. Watch them a lot. (For a longer and still growing list check out my blog also called AskGlory, http://www.askglory.com.)

Then, nice guys need to take action. Some are the “dive right in” kind, while others are “toe dippers.” I wish all the divers the best of luck. Keep me updated on your adventures.

As for all the toe-dippers, make a list of all your fears and regrets. Include everything from your third grade lost love, Betty Sue (or Michael James, for that matter), to your college lab partner who was brave enough to dissect the rat when you hyperventilated. Then list some little risks you’re going to take with realistic deadlines.

Make a point every day to have a positive interaction with the kind of people you want to be around. Practice making people laugh and listen to them talk about things that matter to them.

Keep a journal of your thoughts and reflections about what went well. If something failed, note down why it didn’t work. Learn from your mistakes as well as your successes.

Go out there and take risks. Try, try, and try again. Still falling flat on your face? Find a different approach, a different setting, a different group of people but keep trying. Perseverance in the face failure is the key to success in all areas of life.

In the end, watching movies and making lists doesn’t mean a thing if you still forget the most important piece of advice I can give you.

Just do it!

Comments, suggestions and feedback are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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We finally found the long lost microphone!

My intention was to create a podcast or two but instead I am coughing and sniffling my way through the weekend. I’ve coughed so much this weekend that my voice cannot even be considered raspy in a “Whisky & Cigarettes” sort of way. It is just rough.

As soon as my voice comes back to something reasonable and I don’t have to cough every 30 seconds, I will record and post those podcasts for you. I’ll even throw in an extra one as thanks for your patience!

Anyone know how to submit podcasts to iTunes?

-G.

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The Urban Dictionary defines Double Donkey Punch as, “During sex, when a partner is in a doggy style position, you punch their kidneys at the same time as hard as one can.”

While the Double-Tongued Dictionary defines Double Donkey Punch as, “The Donkey Punch is sometimes employed during gay sex acts. When going at it for a while the bottom of the “bottom” can get too relaxed, so the “top” can lose enjoyment. To orgasm, the man on top punches his partner really hard in the kidneys…so that he involuntarily clenches with the shock and pain…and the guy on top gets his rocks off.”
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WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE?!?!?!?!
(This is Ms. Fink’s face when she is horrified, class :-O)

Look, I understand BDSM but kidneys are vital organs, people! There is good pain and then there is bad pain. Injuring organs you need to use every moment of every day is VERY BAD.

Let us decided once and for all that any kind of sexual, let alone non-sexual, activities that involve hurting or endangering someone’s organs or important joints is a very bad idea and so we won’t even consider it, anymore.

Have a great weekend!

-Glory

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Just like the MTV Unplugged Artists series, occasionally it’s nice to get more of the story behind the story.

Perhaps it is an odd concept for some people but I have always disliked my column being described as a “Sex Column.” In my mind, sex is simply the act of sexual intercourse. Two (or more) people rub on each other’s bodies and proceed to go in and out – up and down until every one orgasms or loses interest. Yes, just like on The Discovery Channel.

Just writing about sex seems so boring to me. On the other hand, all the other things that come into play because of and due to sex are fascinating to me. Foreplay, adult novelties, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies, guilt, orgasms, walking on air because someone thinks you’re fabulous, drifting in the doldrums because that someone no longer thinks you’re anything worth talking about and a million other facets of human experience that together make the sum total of a lifetime of sexual experience. That’s what interests me!

I originally wrote this article in early October 2006 for my column, Pillow Talk in The Student Printz because I wanted to point out that sex is NOT the most important thing in life. Maybe love is and maybe it’s not but gosh, I do wish it would make the world go around. If we can’t quite love everyone, it would be great if at least we can accept the ones we want to love us.

With love,
-Glory

The article below and hundreds of other great articles from the country’s Top Campus Sex Columnists are available on Ask E. Jean’s website. Did I mention it’s all Free?!?! Go check it out! Tell me what you think of it.

How can you love me when I hate myself?
By Glory Fink

Sex Sells.

However, sex is never just about sex. Sex may be about love, hate, happiness, frustration or even boredom but sex is never “Just Sex”. Does love sell? By comparing the few love themed ads in today’s media to the glut of sex themed ads, the geniuses in marketing on Madison Avenue have found that love doesn’t sell much.

Love does seem to sell for the Lifetime channel. There is a fine line between love, lust and obsession on Lifetime. Lifetime also sells, in conjunction with love stories, a good amount of revenge plots for murdering an unfaithful lover and sending him to the bottom of a lake, but only because she loved him so much.

Dressing a lover for his watery grave in plastic wrap and weighting his feet with cinder blocks so no woman will ever touch him again is not any form of Love. However, it is an excellent reason to visit USM’s Counseling Center inside Kennard-Washington room 214. If obsession and murderous revenge isn’t Love with a capital “L” what is? How will we know when someone loves us if we’re not even sure what love feels like?

Think about the last time you looked deeply into the eyes of someone you loved and thought to yourself, “I love you without judging you. I love you for who you are.” When did you do that last? Was it last night? How about last month? Well, what about last year? Ever? Let’s back up.

Maybe this is so foreign because first we have to deeply love ourselves before we can love anyone else. Try this when you have a quiet moment. Stand in front of a mirror and look at your face. Gaze calmly at your eyes, your lips, your cheeks, every part of you. Say out loud with a kind voice, “I love you without judging you. I love you for who you are.” Say it again and really mean it. Now, say it and believe it.

When you read through the exercise, you probably thought, “Oh, this is easy!” If you tried it, you realized that it can be a lot harder than you expected. If you’re struggling to believe that you love yourself without judgment, how easy is it to believe anyone else loves you for who you are?

Your homework, should you choose to accept it, is as follows: Look at those you love in a loving manner. When your loved one is talking, look at him or her and say to yourself, “I love you for who you are.” The other person(s) will probably never say anything about it, but something will feel different for both of you. You’ll feel the difference, and that feeling may even grow. When you love and accept yourself, you will have an easier time accepting love from others. Accepting love from your partner will only aid in adding meaning and fulfillment to your sex life!

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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USM sex columnist gets sacked
By NANCY KAFFER

The writer of the University of Southern Mississippi’s controversial sex column has been fired, but the newspaper’s editor says she plans to keep the dirty talk coming.

Student Printz editor Ashley Bryan wrote in a Sept. 13 column that longtime Pillow Talk scribe Glory Fink would no longer pen the column, which will continue to run in the paper.

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Ashley Bryan, Executive Editor of The Student Printz’s view point:

Printz looks for new Pillow Talk writer
By: Ashley Bryan
Posted: 9/13/07

Many of you have already noticed that Pillow Talk is missing from today’s paper.

I can honestly say that this is probably the hardest column I have ever had to write, so I’ll just spit it out. Glory Fink will no longer be writing Pillow Talk for The Student Printz. I know that Ms. Fink will be missed by many, but I have to do what I feel is best for this publication and for our readers.

Click for the rest of the article

My view point:

After a mandatory meeting for the Printz Opinions Department on Tuesday, Ashley Bryan told Candrese Jones and me to go to her office to talk about the previous article. Candrese and I talked about working out an editing schedule to insure that there would be no further last minute editing/revision problems would occur.

Ashley then continued to call the article libelous to which I objected and sited New York Times Company vs. Sullivan (1964) where public figures must prove “actual malice.” Ashley told me that I was completely wrong, that what I wrote was libel and that it is her prerogative to edit and print anything she wants without informing any involved writers. I said that since the problem I perceived was that of communication and timing and in light of us working out a schedule, I didn’t understand why this discussion was continuing.

Ashley replied that this was why, “You posted to your blog about the libel article. Any other professional newspaper or magazine would fire their writer for this. So you are fired.” Since Ashley finally revealed the purpose for our closed door impromptu meeting I said, “Thank you.”

As I rose to leave I asked Ashley why she couldn’t have simply made an appointment to see me if she had something so important to tell me. She said that she knew I was going to be at the meeting and she decided she would just tell me after the meeting. I replied that professionals make a point to act like professionals. Ashley said, “Well, that’s my prerogative as executive editor.”

About the article in question

I have never felt any rancor or malice for Lindsey Lohan, Britney spears or Paris Hilton. I simply don’t know them as individuals and so have no opinion about any of the three women.

The STD statistics for “Ms. L” are the same as they are for ALL other white women in their early 20’s living in America. The STD statistics for “Ms. B” and “Ms. P” are the same for me and ALL other white women in their mid to late 20’s living in America.

That’s my point! Money, fame and even anonymity will never protect or shield anyone from contracting dangerous diseases.

The tragedy is that all of these STDs are preventable and some are even curable. Why anyone would ever get their panties in a twist about STD statistics or the people (everyone) who can get them is beyond me.

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Bedding Your Best Friend
By Glory Fink

This article is also available on Ask E. Jean’s FANTASTIC website under the Top Campus Columnists section.

“Never have sex with anyone you’re not willing to raise a child with,” my dad told me when I was 14. I now gift this advice to you, my savvy readers.

This one bit of advice did more for me in my life than just about anything else I ever learned. Late at night I would ponder the mysteries of The Universe, especially how to have fun sexual adventures with someone good enough to raise kids with while avoiding all those awful scenes friends were having in high school I called, “How Could You Do This to Me?!” dramas.

Even in the remote areas of Mississippi where I grew up, we heard about “friends with benefits.” Was it possible to have sex without any strings? No melodramas. No heartaches. Friends with benefits sounded like a great idea if only it was true.

By the time we get to college, expressions like: “Friends with Benefits” (FWB), booty calls, and the classic one-night-stand, are well known. The idea of women and men having non-commitment sex for fun and pleasure with no strings attached is often seen on TV and movies.

Casual sex is not a modern phenomenon. It’s been going on for eons. Who wouldn’t want a good friend and a side order of sex and no hassles? No jealousy, no ownership, no obligations, no headaches.

If you’re the kind of person who forms deep, emotional attachments quickly, FWB is not going to work for you. Remember that in a commitment-free sexual relationship, the other person is free to have sex with anyone they want, whenever they want.

You are using condoms every time and getting tested ever six months, right? No? I haven’t been slaving away in front of this computer for 13 months trying to write about what you want to read just for you to enjoy the controversy without even considering my advice. What? Yeah, I thought you were just teasing. You will go to the Health Clinic ASAP, right?

You’ve given it some thought and now have someone in mind. Stumped on how to proceed? Communicate, darling! Open thy mouth and talk. Use this column or find another and ask them what they think about the FWB idea. Get a copy of Tom Wolfe’s “Hooking Up” and use what you’re reading to launch into a conversation. Then say something like, “Ever thought about doing it yourself? Think it could work for us?”

Once you get the green light, hash out the details. Will any of our mutual friends know about this? Will we hang out together, go to the movies or is this strictly a midnight booty call thing? Who is going to provide the condoms, lubes or rubber chickens? What about a threesome? Remember, anything you two don’t talk about in an open and honest way will eventually rear its head in the form of an argument or even cause the end of your friendship. Talk first, get it on later.

I’m going to warn you about a pitfall of FWB’s. When I transferred to Hattiesburg to attend USM, I didn’t know anyone and I had just extracted myself from a disastrous relationship. I was looking to make friends and thought a nice fling would perk me up. One particular person I met soon became my best friend. At the right time I popped the question, “Ever thought about having sex without any strings attached?” We talked about it for weeks while we made out.

Everything went well for a good while. Then slowly we both realized we wanted to spend eternity with each other. Last April we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. Next month we will celebrate meeting at a USM football game nine years ago. When you choose a great friend and add sex, it either will work well or could be a disaster and you’ll lose a good friend in the process.

Be careful, be cautious, enjoy life.

Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Send your emails to glory@askglory.com with “Attention: Glory” in the subject line.

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